Dear Matthew,

By Ivy

Dear Matthew,

I never thought I'd actually be writing to you. I never thought I'd ever be holding this paper in my hand, writing with this actual pen, with actual ink, and about to give it to you tomorrow with my actual hand, but for now, I am just wondering what to write. I've always wanted to be open with you, to be the kind of friends who could tell each other everything, so I guess that's why I'm telling you whats running through my head right now. I really don't know how to put this, but I guess there's only one way to put it. Always has been, and always will be, one way. I love you Matthew. Wow. Writing it on paper I feel so different, its out there now, you'll tell everybody, that I am in love with Matthew Girtz. I'm not holding something inside of me like a captive anymore! Its not a secret bouncing, swelling like a balloon, looking for some way, any way to escape! Its not just a pounding in my heart telling my to say something, a simple Hi, or a friendly smile anymore, its real, its not just sitting around in my head all day, everyday. its out, but it still lives within me. I love you. I've never said it out loud before, or even written it down in some secretive spot like most girls do, someone always finds those. Its never really hidden, and I'm guessing all of those girls have also written letters like these to you too, and that you laugh at them with your friends. I can't imagine, I try not to imagine you laughing at this. If only you could understand what those girls felt like, if you knew all of their hearts, and combined it with the way you feel for Libby, combine all those tears, and laughs, and years of waiting, and wondering, and just yearning to know if you felt the same way for them, or anyone, yearning just to know! If you knew that, and combined them all into one, you would understand one tenth of what I am feeling right now. what I feel in English, what I feel in Math, and at lunch, and at home, whenever I see your face, whether up close, at a distance, or in my mind. If only you could understand.

I know you don't know me, you probably wouldn't think of my face if you heard my name, or think of my name if you saw my face, but please whatever you do, don't think badly of me after all this. Many girls have done this, whether it be for some other boy, or for you, but I'm sure at least once, every girl you have ever smiled at, thought of, or saw randomly on the street has felt this way for someone, or something.I barley know you, how can I feel this way? is that what you are asking yourself as you (most likely) read this aloud to your friends at some lunch table, as they ridicule, and laugh at me, some stranger they have never known? Are you wondering if this is real? Are you even thinking of any of those things? Or are you just smiling, and getting ready to throw this away at the first chance? I know you aren't like that, I might be wrong, you could be reading this in privacy, with no jeering smile on you face, but in case you are wondering how I can feel this way with barley knowing you, here is my answer: I don't know. And I don't know why I don't know! I was always the one with all the answers, but for some reason, I don't have one this time. Why did people think I knew everything, why? They thought I was so smart, when it was really the opposite, you are much smarter then I'll ever be, I'm so stupid, Stupid to be writing this, to allow myself to feel this way for you, someone so far above me, although in my grade, stupid for being so stupid. I guess my stupidity increased when I first met you. Tats what happens when your in love with someone who will never love you back I guess, your mind wanders. You sneak a glance at them, and soon enough, a bell rings, the test is over, and your only half done. Or in the larger schemes, all that time I could be waiting for you, waiting to tell you, just for you to tell me you don't even know my name, but if I just waited, my whole life would race by, I would miss opportunities, and when I finally wake up, the bell would ring, and it would be too late. I have to get over you, I know that, but I can't stop thinking of the first time I saw you. I always wondered about you, and sorry if this was awkward, but Matthew, I will never forget you, I love you Matthew Girtz.

Sincereley,
One more Pathetic admirer,
Gabrielle F.